The Diarrhea Of A Madman

kling_klang_bed @ 2009-04-17T23:11:00

2009-04-18T05:06:44Z

Forget the FBI, CIA, and all that, I figured out the way to capture Al Queida (however you spell it)..............

OK, we go along the border of Afghanistan/Pakistan, and find the caves where the terrorists are hiding out. We bring along 300 of the most hardcore potheads, and have them literally smoke out the terrorists, while we have the ultimate munchie foods (Skittles, Pringles, nachos, etc.) laying just outside. At first, they could resist, but really, how long can you survive 24 hour munchies? I do think after a while, the munchies could become terminal. There isn't shit to eat in the caves, and if there was, you'd want to eat a Twinkie rather than troglodytes and cave slime.

Imagine you're a terrorist. But one day the government smokes up your house, and there's unbreakable glass with this in front:

Fuck the 21 virgins, I'd rather take a nice, fat, roast beef sandwich. It makes me grow one of those manly David Hasselhoff chest-beards. Sometimes, I think he actually has two stylists. One to groom his head hair, and specialist that has to groom his chest hair. And probably someone very very familiar with jungles and rainforests to groom you know where.

Oh yeah, I'd rather jack off than fuck Nicole Kidman.

kling_klang_bed @ 2009-04-13T08:01:00

2009-04-13T13:10:16Z

Today marks 10 years since I moved to Chicago. Haven't bothered looking back at it all, but now that I have.......... What a wild fucking journey! Barely 18, $200 in my pocket and a Walkman (no I didn't have an MP3 player, and no idea where exactly I was going in the city or how to get here.......... but here I am in the city I love all this time later. I still don't know why I moved here other than I hated where I was living (Hampton, VA), and was bored haha. But I definitely don't regret it.

Like an old friend told me 'get out there and fuck without a rubber' (metaphorically speaking, lol). Life's too fucking short to do things you don't need or enjoy.

kling_klang_bed @ 2009-04-12T05:47:00

2009-04-12T10:55:03Z

Limp Bizkit has reunited.
Now I feel like burying myself alive. It's a truly sick, sad world.

But on the bright side there is 'Stagnetti's Revenge" (which lawmakers are trying to get banned from colleges), which is a big budget X-rated porno (by porn standards of high budget) mixed with a pirate film and 'Army Of Darkness'.

Former SENTENCED Guitarist MIIKA TENKULA Dead At 34

2009-04-09T12:42:53Z

http://www.roadrunnerrecords.com/blabbermouth.net/news.aspx?mode=Article&newsitemID=114733

Never heard Sentenced..........?

Nepenthe
Kaamos
Rain Comes Falling Down Hard
May today Become the Day

He's one of the reasons I ever picked up a guitar (and is still a massive influence on my writing/guitar style), and goddamnit I'm picking up a stein today for him!

Lower the flags, a good man has passed. And may his grave be open, wide open!

kling_klang_bed @ 2009-04-08T04:28:00

2009-04-08T09:31:23Z

Ever wonder what viking and death metal would sound like mixed with reggae?

A part from the book I'm working on.........

2009-04-07T16:58:51Z

AJENEDAD

In a world of empty, endless waves, the giants of your hopes can either hold you out, drop, you or crush you..................... but when the fatal waves reach it's knees, your fate has been decided........... But if these giants were to lay at peace with these waves, they would change and become the landscape forever............ Tell me, my friend, and talk with your hand towards those who need like you would talk to me........... Tell me, my friend.......... have you ever known a friend at all? Time is just a shadow, and every second is a final moment we hold onto for all time.......... There is no hand on the clock that will reach my throat or speak for me, for I've gathered the shadows of time along this trail of tears......... But the rain is mine, and something, the only thing that can never be taken away from me.............. But the wind stole my tears long before they could be claimed..........

A chain of hands can only start to reclaim those lost seconds in the world........... Dancing deep into your endless brown eyes, mi victoria ajenedad, emperatriz de universa............. and I've always cried those tears you dropped into my eyes. Through those tears I raised my eyes, they are the most beautiful rain, and even without you here, you carry my heart through my life like an angel...............

Score One For Women's Rights In The Middle East!

2009-04-01T04:50:15Z

“He will lie in front of me drugged. I will feel my way to his eyes and then drop 20 drops of acid in each eye".

http://www.bild.de/BILD/news/bild-english/world-news/2009/03/26/acid-attack-revenge-eye-for-an-eye/iran-court-allows-victim-to-blind-culprit.html

It's the ultimate case of an eye for an eye - a judge has given an Iranian woman permission to pour acid into a man's eye after the spurned suitor blinded her by doing the same thing.

After 17 operations, Ameneh Bahrami is desperate for revenge and has been given the green light by a Tehran court.

“He will lie in front of me drugged. I will feel my way to his eyes and then drop 20 drops of acid in each eye,” Ameneh (30) explained.

“It has come so far,” she told a BILD reporter in Barcelona, where she now lives. “I will have retribution on April 15.”

The electrical engineer was attacked by Majid Emovahedi (25) because she had constantly turned down his marriage proposals.

His whole family had put pressure on her to wed him, but she was resolute: “No, I will never marry him.”

Majid waited for her as she left work in September 2004 and threw sulphuric acid over her head. She went blind immediately.

Ameneh Bahrami moved to Spain, where she has had 17 operations on her eyes and face.

Her desire for revenge has grown. She will return to Iran, wearing jeans and a t-shirt under her chador.

“My father and siblings won’t be there. They don’t want to see it.

"But my mother and friends will accompany me to make sure I don’t pour the acid on myself when I put it in his eyes.”

Majid Emovahedi will be held down by prison officials and under anaesthetic at the time. He won’t feel anything as Ameneh pours the acid on his face. A doctor will be wearing gloves to hold Majid’s eyes open so she can squeeze the acid in.

“My mother will do it for me if I don’t manage it,” Ameneh added, “but I hope that won’t be necessary. I want to execute the punishment myself, because it is my issue.

"I don’t want my mother to feel guilty. I am sure she would because revenge is a bad thing.”

But she herself unashamedly wants revenge: “He made fun of me in front of the court. Now he is whimpering for mercy, asking me to leave him at least one eye.

"But it is too late for that.”

A part from the book I'm working on.........

2009-03-30T08:31:54Z

A true man will always cry in the arms of a truer woman, like veins are but raindrops on the window of the soul.

Awwww, this song makes me say fuck it and live

2009-03-26T10:14:58Z

My God, I Love Hate Mail, It's So Brutal!

2009-03-24T08:11:21Z

Haha, an awesome anonymous response to my epic and insightful article about how Insane Posse is made for people who've never picked their knuckles off the ground:

"man fuck this shit icp is the shit u need to stop hatin emenem can suck a dick he is just pissed that icp never showed up to his birthday and you really need to watch what u type if a pig were to read this they would try and track you down for u sayin you would give your kid a curb job if they were a juggalo."

(1). Holy, shit, I have to watch my back for the cops now, even though I have no kids (or intend on having any) to give of my own to give a curbjob to! They might have to tazer and arrest me when they catch me giving a curbjob to a Cabbage Patch Kid after reading that article. Damn, the Bush Administration's violated my privacy and human rights worse than I ever though possible! This has to be in the Patriot Act somewhere.

(2). Emenem last I checked has a child, meaning he somehow managed to get laid with a woman. Second, I don't give two shits about Emenem, but in this case he's obviously been with a woman before deciding to jump ship and start sucking dick as this gentleman says. I can see it on the cover of People magazine: "Emenem: 'I Have A Dick Addiction'". Oh, whoops, that's this guy talking on a subliminal level about his love for the noo-noo all while being blatently homophobic. Don't be afraid to be open, alot of people like sucking dick, and it's a fun hobby for alot of people from all walks of life!

(3). If you were my kid, I'd skip the curbjob, spare you, and have the sergeant from 'Full Metal Jacket' parent you, 24 HOURS A DAY. Oh and you'd have to get a job. Sorry, daddy'd have way too much time for bars, koosh, movies, jerking off, and strippers to be around. Have fun!

(4).

Wow. Years later, and ICP fans still look like rodeo clowns/gimps.

An Inspirational Speech.................

2009-03-22T05:01:11Z

When you need hope and courage.......... look up to my cock. Be as mighty, tall and triumphant as my wiener in the face of adversity. Stand up and stuff the mouths of those who say you can't. It will always beat them, but point them towards where there heads will guide them. And let them explode in the face of adversity!

kling_klang_bed @ 2009-03-21T21:56:00

2009-03-22T02:59:13Z

And the Mother Of The Year Awards goes to......................

http://www.wpbf.com/news/18980363/detail.html

A Lee County woman was arrested after police said she was feeding her
infant while intoxicated.

Police said it started when Renee Vanalsburg punched her half-sister
in the face. When officers arrived, they said Vanalsburg was
breastfeeding her baby and was clearly drunk and high.

The baby's father, Marc Rush, was also arrested after police found a
bottle of oxycodone and a tin with white powder in the baby's crib.

Police said broken glass, ant killer, spray paint and knives were
scattered on floor of the baby's room.

The baby was in protective custody Friday night.

kling_klang_bed @ 2009-02-25T00:52:00

2009-02-25T06:54:22Z

kling_klang_bed @ 2009-02-24T05:39:00

2009-02-24T11:40:41Z

kling_klang_bed @ 2009-02-21T02:46:00

2009-02-21T08:52:35Z

So, since it's looming for me and quite alot of people here..........
What do you plan to do with the recession and the looming possibility of poverty into the near future?

Me? I figure, worse comes to worse, fuck it, I'm living off my art and living it up. This disaster doesn't look like it's calming down anytime soon. But notice the alcohol industry is the one industry that seems to be really picking up in all this............

Some of my new drawings

2009-02-16T07:39:21Z

Also, got to see Meshuggah and Cynic live tonight!!! Fucking AWESOME!!!!!

kling_klang_bed @ 2008-11-21T11:14:00

2008-11-07T17:17:20Z

Ahoy ahoy, folks! Sorry about the long absence, quite a bit of things to take care of and attend to that I've put off, plus just needed a break from the net while it's warm outside. I should have my net and all back on this coming week.

Sooooooooooooooo, how are you lovely folks?

kling_klang_bed @ 2008-08-10T05:00:00

2008-08-11T09:59:41Z

It's a cruel world when you lose Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes in less than 4 days.

kling_klang_bed @ 2008-08-07T13:18:00

2008-08-08T18:28:43Z

Ahoy ahoy! Sorry about the long absence, just taking a break from the net to work on some music, writing, and all that jazz. Plus I have a shitload of writings, drawings and poems going up on my Myspace page as well.
I'll start catching up on your LJ posts starting tonight, and got some more goodies on the way.

In the meantime.........

kling_klang_bed @ 2008-07-26T04:09:00

2008-07-27T10:13:56Z

I've bought a ton (at pretty much bargain prices) of action films, including Conan, El Santo, 3 Dev Adam (and trust me, you've NEVER, and I mean absolutely never ever will see a film more fucking ridiculous and this part of the film has a guy getting his eyes eaten out by a hamster. By a Turkish Spiderman who is a tee-pee dwelling Mafia killer, and........... oh fuck it, I don't know where to begin with how awful this movie is). And this one, a two DVD set on sale for $2.

I have the gift of being easily entertained. ;-)

PS,
It's hard for me to say this to a lot of metal fans, but I've heard the new Krisiun CD. If you're not about to embrace your primitive side, don't even bother with Krisiun. This has been my favorite death metal band for quite some time. So powerful, chaotic, brutal, and catchy all at the same time, and all from just 3 guys in the band. And all from the retirement capital of Brazil!

Dying eight-year-old 'marries' his school sweetheart

2008-07-23T06:06:20Z

Article

An eight-year-old boy who had set his heart on 'marrying' his school sweetheart achieved his final wish the day before he died of leukaemia.

Given only weeks to live, Reece Fleming proposed to his 'special friend' Elleanor Purgslove at a laser tag party.

After she accepted, their parents arranged a make-believe wedding at Reece's home in Mackworth, Derby. He died the next day with his family.

Reece's mother Lorraine Fleming said he told her, "I can go now" after his wish had been granted.

The 28-year-old said: ""He was so proud of her, and we were proud of them both."

Reece was diagnosed with leukaemia in July 2004, when he was aged just four.

He fought the disease for four years until May when doctors told him he had just weeks to live.

Ms Fleming, said she and his stepfather Mick Thompson had tried to help him achieve as much as possible before his death, including marrying his sweetheart.

"When we found out that we only had a few weeks with him we tried to do absolutely everything with him that we could.

"Him and Ellie had been 'special friends' for a couple of years but then they broke up.

"We said we'd have a pirate party, and Ellie came. She went to visit Reece a few times in hospital as well.

She added: "We also had a football and laser quest party, apparently that's when he proposed to her."

The pair went out to dinner in the mayor's limousine and the families organised a 'wedding', complete with rings, a stand-in vicar and a certificate.

The ceremony was carried out on July 4 and the following day Reece died at home with his family and a Macmillan nurse.

At his funeral, mourners followed a horse-drawn hearse on foot.

Ms Fleming added: "Even on the Saturday that he died, he got out of bed and walked to the sofa.

"He always tried walking, right to the end, so we thought if he walked for us then we would walk for him."

kling_klang_bed @ 2008-07-19T12:47:00

2008-07-20T18:05:13Z

I finally broke down and ate a Hardee's Monster Thickburger yesterday, with fries. For those not in the know, and this is without the fries.........

Calories: 1417
Calories from Fat: 965
Total Fat: 107g
Saturated Fat 45.8g
Cholesterol 229.6mg
Sodium 2651.3mg
Total Carbohydrate 48.7g
Dietary Fiber 0g
Protein 63.6g

This sandwich makes McDonald's look like your local sushi bar.
I think I just shaved off 10 years off of my life in one sitting, and deep down I think I might have a profound sense of self hatred, having ate this fucking thing. A day later, my body still feels like a mosh pit of cholesterol, sat fats, and probably some shit left over in a meth lab garbage can floating around in my brutalized stomach. And the shits afterwards? Add a six pack of Schlitz's to the whole deal last night, and you can imagine the horror. I think I melted the seat to my toilet, and my farts turned all of Chicago into "The Happening". These are the kind of farts that could evacuate a moving bullet train. The kind of farts that could take down stealth bombers, and stop wildfires dead in their tracks.

I woke up this morning, and my body is still doing battle with this horrific, soulless beast of a sandwich. It's like my stomach is going to war with it with bottles and chains, and my colon is the crime scene cleanup crew afterwards.

And for some reason, there is this angry, bubbling feeling in the upper left side of my stomach, and a gassy feeling in my lungs.

But, damn, it was tasty! If I ever want to kill myself, I'll just go "Leaving Las Vegas" with these bad boys. That should take about a week at the most.

PS,
The new Sigur Ros CD is FUCKING AMAZING!!!!! Hopefully I'll be making some lurve with it playing in the back.

kling_klang_bed @ 2008-07-17T03:44:00

2008-07-18T08:44:55Z

-I have the kind of farts that could end all religions.
-Why do old people keep their pants and shorts higher and higher towards their nipples the older they get? This shit deeply disturbs me, and I saw it today when an old guy who looked like a homeless guy who sleeps in book stores all day, had his shit so high up I swear I saw vines of grey pubic hair drop out. And I swear, I thought this man had Down Syndrome, until I noticed his knee high Japanese schoolgirl socks, neck sloping forwards, mouth half open, and shoulders so low, you'd you'd think his torso was about to collapse like Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom. People actually stick around to live and look like that.
-I got a bone to pick with pussy.
-I think Amy Winehouse has the worst farts on the planet. And the smelliest pussy.
-Sometimes I feel like the world is a huge pop up coloring book and somebody shitted inside of it in the factory for all to see, then tossed on the shelf for all to see.
-Anytime someone asks me what time it is I always say "Hammer Time!" with the little dance to go with it.
-We've all heard about rabid cats and dogs around the city, but what about rabid turtles? Those are the ones I truly fear.
-What the fuck is with those sunglasses Kanye West wears? It takes a very very lonely man to even think that somehow looking through your blinds at passing pedestrains makes you look cooler, and then apply that to glasses. Don't people usually call the cops on people like that?
-Does every country and tribe in the world have an official dictionary?
--Too many people have more vocabulary than things to actually say.
-Here's a parable of mine: there was a tall fire, and a man bent down to grab a coin, and farted, setting 10 people on the other side of the flame on fire. I don't know the purpose or moral of this story, but I'm sure it's something pretty sweet.
-If you think your life is bad, remember there is someone who has to wake up with Rosie O'Donnel sitting on their face. Then has to make her breakfast. And eat it with her.
-Your grandpa or grandma can probably still outdrink you.
-I figure I will finally do my part to solve global warming........... I will stop bathing or consuming liquids of any kind to conserve water. To save the millions of trees, I will stop wiping my ass after I commence "Operation Dumbo Drop". And I will bring a huge cardboard box so that anytime I fart, I drop the box, the methane gases will be contained. Even if there is someone in the box with me.
-It's odd how yuppies are trying to push themselves as organic, hip, anorexic yuppy drunks when the real drunks are sleeping inside their fouriers.
-I'm waiting up for the final DVD version of "The Lion King", where Killdozer, or whatever the Lion King's name was, just up and fucking jumps from that cliff and eats all those animals that were praising him when he was born.
-A dead end business: Chapstick in Brazil.
-One day I'm going to market a cereal made of just hardened flakes of sugar.
-Everyone's bitching about the economy and people being laid off. But do you notice there are A LOT more liquor stores and bars around?
-You know what's fun? Driving 140 MPH's down a nice busy stretch of town, and me and a bunch of friends guess how many were speedbumps and which were people. Awwwwwwwwwww good times!
"Dude, no way that was a person!"
*backs up*
"Hear that crunch........?"
-If you haven't smoked up and watched B-52's videos, you my friend, are a virgin in life.
-When I need cheering up, I just imagine Eddie Van Halen is playing with my imaginary pussy.
-And, one my girlfriend told me:

Girl: "Mommy, mommy, I'm gonna be a ballerina when I grow up!"
Mom: "That's nice, bitch, now climb up those steps and get back in your wheelchair".

-I love it when my girl talks dark and brutal!!!! It's like Ong Bok in my boxers right now.

kling_klang_bed @ 2008-07-15T11:35:00

2008-07-16T17:29:27Z

So, here's the scoop......... They're having a sale on VHS tapes for 25 cents each up the street from me. So what am I to do since there was a 20 tape limit per visit? Drag some friends along kicking and screaming! And probably making the poor clerk who had to take care of us whisper under her breath "Goddamnit, fuck my life". But, anywho, here's what we go out with, and all under $5 bucks a person!

A B-52's video collection (eat a ball, B-52's kick ass), 3x3 Eyes, Chopper Chicks In Zombie Town, Akira, Cobra (the Stallone film), Enter The Dragon, Straight To Hell, Coffee, Faith No More video comp, Count Of Monte Cristo, Thomas In Love, Happily Ever After, Bambi, Dennis Leary "No Cure For Cancer", Sam Kinison Live, Eddie Murphy "Raw", Final Fantasy animes (3 of them), Leaving Las Vegas (to top off my John O'Brien collection), Commando, Showgirls, all 5 comps of Lupin The 3rd (classic anime), every Bubblegum Crisis VHS, Wuthering Heights, Crime And Punishment (the old one), No Holds Barred, a Def Leppard documentary, about 14 nature documentaries, Under The Volcano, Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas, The Art Of Illusion, 3 El Santo videos (estoy el mas fanatico de Santo), Universal Soldier, Jack Frost, Jack Frost 2 (no, I'm talking about the killer snowman that kills and rapes people with carrots, not that weak ass Michael Keaton film), Freejack, Die Hard 1 and 2, Drunken Master 1 and 2, Liquid Swords Volume 3, Dr. Strangelove, Arthur, Spaceballs (behold film making at it's finest), Cannibal The Musical, Fatal Attraction, Count Duckula (!!!), 2 ECW tapes, 4 George Carlin tapes, Neverending Story 1,2,and 3, a National Geographic tape on Brazil (of course I had to get this!), Santa Sangre (of course), Amores Perros, a documentary about Carnival, one about Puerto Rico, 5 old school Star Trek videos, Under Siege, On Deadly Ground, Bloodsport, and last but not least, a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue video (with Kathy Ireland no less).

I finally give up and admit how massive and hopeless my nerdiness actually is. I'm deeply sorry for hiding my dorkiness all this time from you, friends and family. Curses, I was supposed to be all butch and rugged and I have failed!!!!

kling_klang_bed @ 2008-07-14T04:29:00

2008-07-15T09:35:24Z

Does pussy count as finger food?