I was thinking to myself what a movie about my life would be life if they made one...........
The movie would start out with me revving up my motorcycle, which would have a couple of bear skulls attached to it, and spiked wheels. Then all you hear is a lone flute playing out of nowhere, pumping up the audience and making everyone in the theater pump their fists in the air. Then I crash through the front window of a nursery, and just start riding around crushing Kardashians under my wheels as Marduk starts blasting. Suddenly, the flute stops. And one of the babies wants to challenge me to a duel. And this isn't any ordinary baby, this one has roid rage, veins popping out of it's neck and a huge bass guitar.
I stroke my ZZ Top-esque beard, adjust my shades, and introduce myself by my real name: Beefmaster Flex. He says "woah that is sweet!!!!!!!!", and he gets really scared at the same time, knocking back a bottle of Tequila and snorting a line of Ajax. I get really pissed, so I ride my motorcycle to a Jenny Craig meeting, start taking names and kicking ass, beating down fat housewives left and right and eating their food. And who shows up?!? None other than Kirsty Alley, who's demanding answers.
"Kling Klang, why? Just because you have massive balls doesn't mean you can do whatever you want!!!!" I reply "Yarrrrrrrrrrrr, fuck you" as I knock her in the face with my stein of beer. And this gorilla appears out of a beer keg tearing shit up and beating his chest like a baboon.
I say, "dude, Kirstey Ally blows", and he revs up his motorcycle and pops a wheelie on the front of her head.
Then I feel sorta bad and I hold her as she's crying. You see our eyes get all hot and heavy. Another victim to my Viking charms. She reaches to kiss me.......... And then I rake my teeth across her face, with the sound of nails on a chalkboard coming from her maw.
Then, I take my best friend, Xardion, out clubbing like he loves to do so much.
But the bouncer was being a total dick, telling him "we can't allow 40 foot robot defenders of the universe in". Xardion starts to pee on himself he's crying so hard. All he wants is to have a couple of shots, dance with hot babes and put a couple of their numbers in his data bank so he can show off his "Black Hole" weapon which always gets them plenty hot. And they notice his plight. So they drank his pee pee and started flying around the club, tossing shit at the security guards until they let Xardion in. He starts dancing to some Lil' Kim and getting down with the ladies, talking about the multiple endings to Chrono Trigger, which made them impressed on just how smart he was about what really matters in life.
More to my life story later!!!!!!!! I think I just blew a load thinking about a Xardion sequel crossed with Guardian Legend.