The Diarrhea Of A Madman

Kicking Names & Taking Ass By All Means Unecessary
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I was thinking to myself what a movie about my life would be life if they made one...........

The movie would start out with me revving up my motorcycle, which would have a couple of bear skulls attached to it, and spiked wheels. Then all you hear is a lone flute playing out of nowhere, pumping up the audience and making everyone in the theater pump their fists in the air. Then I crash through the front window of a nursery, and just start riding around crushing Kardashians under my wheels as Marduk starts blasting. Suddenly, the flute stops. And one of the babies wants to challenge me to a duel. And this isn't any ordinary baby, this one has roid rage, veins popping out of it's neck and a huge bass guitar.

I stroke my ZZ Top-esque beard, adjust my shades, and introduce myself by my real name: Beefmaster Flex. He says "woah that is sweet!!!!!!!!", and he gets really scared at the same time, knocking back a bottle of Tequila and snorting a line of Ajax. I get really pissed, so I ride my motorcycle to a Jenny Craig meeting, start taking names and kicking ass, beating down fat housewives left and right and eating their food. And who shows up?!? None other than Kirsty Alley, who's demanding answers.

"Kling Klang, why? Just because you have massive balls doesn't mean you can do whatever you want!!!!"
I reply "Yarrrrrrrrrrrr, fuck you" as I knock her in the face with my stein of beer. And this gorilla appears out of a beer keg tearing shit up and beating his chest like a baboon.

I say, "dude, Kirstey Ally blows", and he revs up his motorcycle and pops a wheelie on the front of her head.

Then I feel sorta bad and I hold her as she's crying. You see our eyes get all hot and heavy. Another victim to my Viking charms.
She reaches to kiss me..........
And then I rake my teeth across her face, with the sound of nails on a chalkboard coming from her maw.

Then, I take my best friend, Xardion, out clubbing like he loves to do so much.

But the bouncer was being a total dick, telling him "we can't allow 40 foot robot defenders of the universe in". Xardion starts to pee on himself he's crying so hard. All he wants is to have a couple of shots, dance with hot babes and put a couple of their numbers in his data bank so he can show off his "Black Hole" weapon which always gets them plenty hot. And they notice his plight. So they drank his pee pee and started flying around the club, tossing shit at the security guards until they let Xardion in. He starts dancing to some Lil' Kim and getting down with the ladies, talking about the multiple endings to Chrono Trigger, which made them impressed on just how smart he was about what really matters in life.

More to my life story later!!!!!!!!
I think I just blew a load thinking about a Xardion sequel crossed with Guardian Legend.

Shaunbeard's Greatest Hits:

Touched By A Zombie
Child Labor Kicks Ass/Raising My Child
A Tribute To Camel Toe
PeckerNeck, The People's Choice
Things All Movies Should Have
We Need More Diseases
One Of Those Days (Rant)
Cooking With Kling Klang
Finding Faith
Way To Fail, Kid!!!!!!!
We Card (Jailbait) Hard!!!!
Where The Jerkey Beckons
Bow to America
I Hate Fat People
AAAAArggghhhhh (Rant)!!!!!!!
Christmas Day Pussy
Can't Someone Please, Please, Gun Down The Chipmunks?
The Gay Sex Buffet That Is "300"
Church Of Ultraman (Rant)
Fuck The WGA
I Wanna Fuck Rachael Ray
Everybody Gettin' Klingy!
Deep, Poetic Moment
World Trade Center: KKB version
The History Of Shaunbeard
I Won't Even Title This One
Fuck Myspace
A1=Official Drink Of Metal
Kill A Tree, Avenge Steve Irwin!!!!!
Kicking Anne Coulter In The Cooter
United 93: Kling Klang Version
I HATE FALL OUT BOY (and no they are NOT from Chicago!)
I Hate My Chemical Romance
All time band I and you and anyone hates most
Shaunbeard Vs. The Minutemen
Killer Diseases+Reality TV=Oh the wackiness!!!!!
Man Of The Year 2005
Fun With Prisoners
My letter to Myspace
Subway Death Zone
Strange Spam
I Hate Michael McDonald More Than Anyone On Earth
Non-Alcoholic beer?!?!?
Sprinkling cancer On My Friends
Beat An Anorexic To Death With Your Toddler
How To Become An EBM/Futrue Pop Band
I Hate HIM
Fat Goth Bitches
John Mayer doing what he does best.........looking fucking retarded
Bukakke On Amelie? Huh?
I Can Kick Hugh Grant's Ass (Fuck Romantic Comedies)
Punching Katie Holmes (in my humble opinion, my trademark post)
The Full Fisherman
The Ultimate Tale Of Romance
American Idols Are Assholes
Neil Straus Can Pick Up My Gonads


Longtime friend. fan and supporter of Mexico's own Isenngard, one of the very best bands on earth. Need more reason why Isenngard should be in your CD player right now?
And if the radio ain't playing it, DEMAND IT!!!!! ;-)

And oh yes, it's agreed:

Made by the awesome that is Miss Watson.

Death to the enemies of the holy prophet, Rob Schneider!!!!!!

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